29 years

29 came before I was ready.

29 has put an end to turmoil...turmoil I created by means of poor choices clouded by self hate and worthlessness.
Hmmmmm....I am not really sure what I am trying to say. I am engaged and feeling unengaged. By unengaged I mean disconnected to reality. I love my 'T'(my prince, my fiance, my love and my life partner beyond what I ever dreamt)!!! He is wonderful. However, some one things(s) is missing. My biological father is a narcissist and has left his female counterpart, my mother, with IRS debt that she was not privy to until years later as she attempts to help me pay for my fairy tale wedding. My biological father makes attempts at being my 'dad', but he sucks at it. His form of communication is resolved to that 21st century type of communication. You know, that thing that is socially accepted as a text message. On top of that, I have a 43 year old half brother, my biological father's son from another woman, that has been graced with parole form prison regardless of the 'L' by his name. For those of you who don't know prison terminology, 'L' stands for life. He is a wonderful young man and I am elated that he will be attending my wedding. However, maybe even needless to say, I am feeling a bit worthless as a bride. I have been taught that my past does not define me, but in planning a wedding I have found that the past can play a weighty part in ones self worth. With sexual abuse at the hands of a cousin, at age 3, a father who was absent, a mother who beat me and a premature awareness to life, I am reduced to tears and snot! I feel undeserving of 'T'!!!! I feel worthless as I think of holding my precious child-to-be!

Half Whole

I have been unknowingly devalued for the majority of my existence…I have been in a sort of limelight the majority of my life…I have known that life is precious as well but I felt ugly, ashamed, unworthy, disgusting and unlovable...I’m done with those labels. The best way I can put it is that I really value my relationship with him and her, but I have to be okay with where we stand at the edge of desiring to want to believe I am beautiful, which is where he and she has gently led me. They are hesitant because of.....?.....to go any further than the edge. So, they can continue to have ‘her’ at the edge of beauties waters but I’m going swimming with or without them. All that to say, I am chasing after all that I think I can see I am supposed to be despite the aching in my heart because I have never been so mentally healthy....

All of them have played a role in ushering me into a place of mental wholeness, but some will not jump into the waters with me....I must be okay with this fact. You know, my heart aches right now. It hurts and the slightest touch causes a wince, but the mind is healthy. Never, have I ever had one healthy. The heart nor the mind. Both have been kicked, spat upon, hit and cut, which invited wiring glitches and sparks of insanity.

I do not know the right way or the correct answer all the time, but I do know that my mind is healthy and wholesome. Who knows what comes first? Should the mind be whole before the heart can be whole? Should the heart be whole before the mind can wrap itself around wholeness? For this one, the mind came first.

Now, I am deliberately choosing to guard that healthy place that my flesh and heart has fought for...setting up boundaries and cutting down whatever jeopardizes. I must keep my mind whole as I know it will be the invitation to the wholeness of my heart. I must protect my mind as it keeps me grounded amidst the pain swirling. I've never been here before!!! I must guard my mind and savor her journey to complete wholeness...

I am not accustomed to this map or this plan, but I like it! I am alive and my heart beats! I am breathing in wholeness...

Come savor this place with me!

Guess Who!

She has created a theory about the old game 'Guess Who'...she sets in a coffee shop corner in this town and observes...she glares at some...she squints at others...she follows with her eyes so as to avoid a head turn...with a head turn she might catch the corner of the eye as the one being observes passes by....
She has formulated a theory about the old game 'Guess Who'...she sets in the crevice of a music venue and stares...she analyzes the gate of some...she flinches at others...she processes the emotions leaking throughout so as to avoid taking them all...with a crawling spine and unseen chills she contemplates reaching out to the one being observed...

I have this theory about the old game 'Guess Who'...it was people watching utilized and translated by a genius.
I deliberately place myself in situations that allow me to watch people, which means that I am purposefully inviting humanity to infiltrate my personal space...for most its just a meaningless endeavor to pass the time-that is if you have time to spare. In my case, I don't have time to spare, but I have love to give.
When I deliberately dedicated myself to this journey of 'people watching'-I don't have to 'guess who'...I somehow revere the 'who's' that pass by...he doesn't know...she doesn't notice...

Often, I sit in feelings of oppression that I analyze into the ground...then, I digress to a thought halt and ponder if all those feelings are an overload of emotions and pain from the 'who's' that grace my world?

It's one of two things...first, I might just be terrible at emotional management or second, I might just be failing to love?
Thoughts?

Chaff and The Space Between

Sunday evening came deliberately rushing at me and then to a screeching halt on the hardwood floor. With my cell phone to my ear, I turned around from the dining room table to the living room and gazed at the 26 years of my life in 10 cardboard boxes, large plastic bins, luggage and trash bags. All I could wrap my mind around was the Truth. As I relinquished the grip on my cell phone, I collapsed to the floor, slumped my shoulders, knelt before the chaff and re-soaked myself in tears. This ‘space between’ was eclipsed in an instant…the Cross. I could not conceive this witness of His love! How could I allow this stuff to define me? Who taught me to grip stuff so tightly that my knuckles became white? Where did I learn to acquire stuff? What had this stuff made of me? One question in particular kept haunting me for the 6 months prior, ‘When would I quit this habit of idolizing stuff?’ I was overcome by pain and freedom in the same instant. It was a timeless repute worthy of no price. He had granted me a sweet gift to draw me closer to understanding His love for me.

When Right Appears Wrong

It's heavy....
It's chronic....
It's acute.....
It's black....
It's clatter....
It watches her die...it mischievously grins at her tears....it apathetically knives her in the back....it stares blankly into her screaming eyes....it consistently kindles her twisted lies....it deceptively convinces her that right is wrong....it gently manipulates her into costly silence.
A automobile 'accident' flashes through her screen....an 'unintentional' trip off the trail plays in her show....an evening alone with fermented substances presents an option of 'recharge'....
She doesn't know her!!!
She wonders if love can win her cause 'it' has a death grip on her life....

The First Day of My Last Self Undermining Thought....

Everywhere I go - I'm always in my head....whether involved in a personal conversation or an emotionally intelligent read...single minded endeavors are epic failures for this life...Everywhere I go - I'm always in my head....
A shout, a scream, a shreak....a short break from a mental marathon....Everyone I meet - I'm always in my head...focus...Everyone I meet - I'm always in my head....focus...What did you say? Again, please? I'm listening to tone but not verbage....I'm feeling emotional influx from word to word, but verbage is clouded...Please, what did you say?
Everything I do - I'm always in my head...must finalize that....oh, of course...shit, now my pants shrunk!....the sink is flooded....Everything I do - I'm always in my head....I know I put my phone right there...I know my keys are on the kitchen counter....matching socks are of the first 6 years of my existence...running a hot bath with the phone on the ledge....a glance at my abdomen!!!!!!!!!!!! Sweating sets in....racing thoughts intervene....tears collide down each facial structure....
Everywhere, Everyone, and Everything - I'm always in my head....thoughts of this and thoughts of that...intermitent between voices of self undermining thoughts!!!!!! I see her and I think she is beautiful, I meet him and find that he is genuinely sweet, I call them and find no judgement, I hug her and experience relationship, I hold him and experience peace, but I run to the One and desperately claw for love!
Everywhere I go - I'm always questioning....Everyone I meet - I'm always wondering...Everything I do - I'm always contemplating...Am I beautiful? Someone please tell me that I am gorgeous...Am I slender enough? Somebody please tell me that I am thin enough...please please please! Am I captivating enough? Am I sweet enough? Am I just the right amount of witty? Am I perfectly emotional or do you find me dysfuntional? Tell me that I am healthy!!!!!!! Hello, are you listening to me?....I'm waiting for you or you and even you would work...just tell me that I am loveable!....Affirm me as acceptable!....Hold me as if you cherish me....you or you...hey, even you would work....who are you? Do you behold all that is within?
Do you even care?....you say everything beautiful...you say everything kind....you tell me all things perfect!....Can I see me through your eyes? Can I smell me through your nose? Can I feel me through your fingers? Can I experience me from outside of everywhere, everyone, and everything - I'm always in my head!?!

Will the first day of my last self undermining thought ever be? Is there really such a day?

Illustrated, Fashioned and Conceived for an Essence of determined faith....

Flailing extremities...hysterical panic....racing thoughts...softly sinking into fear, aggressively immersed in chaff and not sure how to grasp hope. I know, I dont know, I know, I dont know, I know.....desperately seeking to master this Essence of determined faith!!!!
Screaming every so gently into that hole of broken dreams and pierced promises...pointlessly painting over divided walls...meticulously managing each crevice without success....yikes!
Illustrating without a vision....Fashioning without a Dream and Conceiving without a Hope....a selfish kingdom continuing to crumble upon a void foundation...I know, I dont know, I know, I dont know, I know....sowing pride and reaping the obvious!

Illustrated, Fashioned and Conceived for an Essence of determined faith....I do not know!!!!!!!!!!