Half Whole

I have been unknowingly devalued for the majority of my existence…I have been in a sort of limelight the majority of my life…I have known that life is precious as well but I felt ugly, ashamed, unworthy, disgusting and unlovable...I’m done with those labels. The best way I can put it is that I really value my relationship with him and her, but I have to be okay with where we stand at the edge of desiring to want to believe I am beautiful, which is where he and she has gently led me. They are hesitant because of.....?.....to go any further than the edge. So, they can continue to have ‘her’ at the edge of beauties waters but I’m going swimming with or without them. All that to say, I am chasing after all that I think I can see I am supposed to be despite the aching in my heart because I have never been so mentally healthy....

All of them have played a role in ushering me into a place of mental wholeness, but some will not jump into the waters with me....I must be okay with this fact. You know, my heart aches right now. It hurts and the slightest touch causes a wince, but the mind is healthy. Never, have I ever had one healthy. The heart nor the mind. Both have been kicked, spat upon, hit and cut, which invited wiring glitches and sparks of insanity.

I do not know the right way or the correct answer all the time, but I do know that my mind is healthy and wholesome. Who knows what comes first? Should the mind be whole before the heart can be whole? Should the heart be whole before the mind can wrap itself around wholeness? For this one, the mind came first.

Now, I am deliberately choosing to guard that healthy place that my flesh and heart has fought for...setting up boundaries and cutting down whatever jeopardizes. I must keep my mind whole as I know it will be the invitation to the wholeness of my heart. I must protect my mind as it keeps me grounded amidst the pain swirling. I've never been here before!!! I must guard my mind and savor her journey to complete wholeness...

I am not accustomed to this map or this plan, but I like it! I am alive and my heart beats! I am breathing in wholeness...

Come savor this place with me!