29 came before I was ready.
29 has put an end to turmoil...turmoil I created by means of poor choices clouded by self hate and worthlessness.
Hmmmmm....I am not really sure what I am trying to say. I am engaged and feeling unengaged. By unengaged I mean disconnected to reality. I love my 'T'(my prince, my fiance, my love and my life partner beyond what I ever dreamt)!!! He is wonderful. However, some one things(s) is missing. My biological father is a narcissist and has left his female counterpart, my mother, with IRS debt that she was not privy to until years later as she attempts to help me pay for my fairy tale wedding. My biological father makes attempts at being my 'dad', but he sucks at it. His form of communication is resolved to that 21st century type of communication. You know, that thing that is socially accepted as a text message. On top of that, I have a 43 year old half brother, my biological father's son from another woman, that has been graced with parole form prison regardless of the 'L' by his name. For those of you who don't know prison terminology, 'L' stands for life. He is a wonderful young man and I am elated that he will be attending my wedding. However, maybe even needless to say, I am feeling a bit worthless as a bride. I have been taught that my past does not define me, but in planning a wedding I have found that the past can play a weighty part in ones self worth. With sexual abuse at the hands of a cousin, at age 3, a father who was absent, a mother who beat me and a premature awareness to life, I am reduced to tears and snot! I feel undeserving of 'T'!!!! I feel worthless as I think of holding my precious child-to-be!
