Opinions Become Facts...Facts translate as Opinions

Inebriator of Choice?

All too many choices! Yikes...this evening - what will be the inebriator of selection. In this room of choice she stands...the walls are plastered with these vessels of euphoria! Some in her head, some held in her hands, some hanging from her physique....yet, there are still some written upon the walls of her heart! She is spinning out of control on the blades of her thoughts, she is dying on the vine of temporary numbing habits, she is drowning in the pool of this world's possessions....yet, there are those inebriators inscribed upon the walls of her heart!

She is certain of the healthiest choice in each instance....yet, she consistently reaches and fails to corral the lasting inscriptions...again and again she falls short and victim to the thought patterns that nearly took her life 4 years prior to the evenings of late!...Poison ultimately creating more poison...she is a princess of a King in heavenly courts suited for royalty, but she ungraciously struts to her King completely inebriated by her thoughts, her failures, her hopelessness resulting from unfulfilled deepest desires and in some cases by her fleeting choice of euphoria...once again she stands with her head hung low, her shoulders hunched to the floor and her self-image shattered...she wrestles with her identity....she knows it is found in her King, but she cannot lift her face to gaze into His Eyes...she is temporarily inebriated by things of this world...

She rips herself to threads within her mental cavity...sometimes she does this verbally in an attempt to avoid someone other than herself beating her to the punch....less painful this way, but entirely destructive to making wise choices...yet, she is aware of the inscriptions upon her fragile heart - her warring heart!...she is aware of being a survivor and all that the battle entails, yet she is thwarted by her pathetic ideation of self...she is sells out to momentary inebriation rather than the fullness of her King and all that is required of her carnal vessel....poison creating poison....a passive rejection of her calling that permits a deliberate murder of her purpose...the father of lies inebriates gleefully! The Father of Truth waiting to be chosen as her Inebriator...her King patiently holds to intoxicate her with Love!

what is my Inebriator of Choice?

Constantly Sparring Herself....

You know, sometimes I think I have this battle figured out just when it all comes crashing down once again....I realize that I have absolutely nothing, NOTHING, ironed out. I run and I run and I run and I run head on into another brick wall....maybe I need to jump...shall I let go....or could I just resolve to fall? If I jump will I continue to drift and never hit bottom as I ride in the covering of the One? If I let go will I scream His name and as a result translate His love through my nothing to hold? If I just fall will I trust You and live without fear and with all of who You are? Here I am again, trying to get that place of 'thinking I have it all figured out'...this battle undoubtedly sucks at times as it permits my flesh to endure deep pain....enduring the pain grants this frail mind and body endurance for the next blow on the battlefield....the battlefield gets nastier every moment...every step gets stickier...every enemy gets a bit more sneaky. Yet, the last step, the last enemy and the last battlefield granted endurance for the next!

You know, all the time I think I have this battle figured out just when the next blow takes me to my face as it is hamburgered into the gravel...It is in that position that I realize I have nothing, NOTHING, comprehended. The anxiety eats at my muscles, the nervousness wraps up my joints, the insecurity entangles my frame and I recklessly throw my frailty into another brick wall...bruised, beaten, bloody, tired and in deliberate pain.....I get up and do it again! Strange....I should just let go, jump and fall into nothing so as to gain Everything!

You know, I must retrain my fighting style from sparring myself to sparring for love! It is on that Battlefield that I am no longer and He is!

Patience is a Virtue... Yet I am not Virtuous in It!

Patience is a necessity to this life.Well, at least the life of a virtuous woman. A virtuous woman I was designed to be....yet, I can only find myself continuing to become. As the moments pass so do the monuments of my failures. Failures wrought with impatience. Another slap on the hand racked up, but more painful is the self-inflicted guilt and shame. The failings ensue pain that does not align with the means utilized to achieve a guarded heart.

Failures wrought with impatience. Impatience is not to be emanated by a virtuous woman. A virtuous woman I long to be, but I find myself resolved to the mere becoming.

Love is the greatest of these and I have discovered that the inability to wait destroys the ability to truly love and be loved. Impatience with His design in the process of becoming. The process is all too cliche. The process requires patience. So, is being virtuous the simple act of waiting well? In other words, is becoming a virtuous woman really as simple as dying to impatience? Once this elementary concept is realized as simplistic by my thick skull, I just might obtain this lofty calling of being a virtuous woman.

One in the same... Virtue is a patience... a patience that is beyond my carnal comprehension. I am not innately skilled to grasp this kind of patience. However, this shortcoming is the greatest gift as He has a place within to increase this flesh's ability to patiently love. Patient love is the love of a virtuous woman sold out to the One. The One skilled enough to create and then instill a woman with His virtue of patient love. His heart is a virtuous heart...His love is a patient love...His patient love is virtuous! Only through knowing this by faith will we become virtuous amidst a broken humanity.

Be Patient in all things...there is a perfect picture unknown, but at hand! In each of us there is a Patience waiting to become virtuous...In each of us their is a Virtue longing to be perfectly patient!

Of the Kingdom or Of the World

The Kingdom is at hand and the world is in my face!

The Kingdom is now and the world seems real!

The Kingdom is come and the world is this place!

Called to be in the world and not of the world...called to love through Kingdom channels, yet when this is practiced the feeling is of, 'not fitting in'. The result of this practice is turmoil within...turmoil between spirit and soul. Spirit of the Kingdom and Soul of the world!

Of the Kingdom or of the World?

The Kingdom vs. the World... the Kingdom is order and the World is chaos....chaos that baffles the order being strived for. How do I press into this order of the Kingdom when the chaos of this World overwhelms?

This southern gentlemen of the Kingdom claims ADD as his label because his soul screams lies to his spirit of clarity and peace. This princess of the Kingdom claims insecurity and anxiety by way of a broken spirit wrought with lies of the soul. This housewife of the Kingdom claims 'doormat' because her spirit is down trodden by the labels of broken souls. This star athlete claims rejection because his spirit is tackled by the deceit of his soul. This songwriter of the Kingdom claims 'not good enough' because he is kicked by the metal toe of the honky tonk lyrics of the soul. This precious son/daughter of the Kingdom claims worthlessness as his/her name because he/she surrendered to the demonic gall of the soul.

Of the Kingdom or of the World?

Which to claim....how to receive the gifts of the Kingdom when the lies of this world are so tangible? Yes, the Kingdom is tangible, but not obvious! The things of this World are immediate....immediately devastating, immediately hurtful, immediately deadly. Yet, we take hold of them.

The things of the Kingdom are crucial to life. Life in the Kingdom is abundant. Abundantly joyful, abundantly fulfilling, abundant in freedom, abundant in unconditional love...an abundance of the Kingdom is at hand.

One Life giving and one Life sucking!

Which to claim...how to receive the gifts of the Kingdom when the lies of this World are so tangible? At first, the lies even appear to be good.

However, 'good' is the enemy of His utmost 'best'!

Which do you choose?

Of the Kingdom or of the World?

Sometimes It Has To Be Enough that It Is Not Meant To Be!

She said,"Sometimes it has to be enough that it is not meant to be."

I paralyze myself again and again as I analyze over and over. Two weeks and no word. Where did I go wrong? What did I do or not do?

Two weeks and several days without a word... with today's abundant and contemporary channels of communication there should have been a blurp by now - better put...a text. Not even a text!

SHE MISSES HIM!

A phone call much to personal it seems...not even a phone call in the 'silent' of the night...a voicemail guaranteed and not even a phone call. She rolls her head over on the pillow...it is damp. Confused and broken as to what she could have done wrong? Where did she possibly go wrong? Two weeks and several days...no real emotional attachment. Why does this baffle her being? No real label yet it still hurts her.

SHE REALLY MISSES HIM!

Email!? Never an email expected. She is expectant upon Him, but not on the other that bestows this chaos. COMPROMISE 7! She discovers order in being expectant upon Him...she silently seeks. The flesh gnaws at her spirit! The pain penetrates the flesh, but the peace in order soothes her spirit. Two weeks and several days...No avenue of communication?!!!

SHE MISSES HIM A LOT!

Not much more than 'hanging out'...she misses this as if it were embellished with timely investments. No investments made! She misses this tremendously. Some wrong...some right! This that she speaks of delivered in a package of possible covenant...yet, so soon! She read these 'things' incorrectly. She assumed ashamedly! She felt like a princess precisely. It was too good to be true. He said, "You cannot tell me that anybody has ever treated you as sweet as I have?!?" She concurred. Maybe she should not have...

SHE JUST MISSES WHAT MIGHT NOT BE MEANT TO BE

Must she be at peace with this truth? Is it a truth? Is it guilt for possibly finding 'the too good to be true'? She must be bad for expressing this very thing. In naivety she blew it again. A princess she is...a princess - she longs to be cherished as she walks through all her days... eventually a Queen in covenant!!! Will this time come in her child-like honesty through faith or is she crazy? Her prince she seeks through pressing into the chaos by way of Him. Her prince she so desires. Is it not meant to be... no place to fit in, no time to be real, no person to accept a princess, no man to commit in love because she is 'not meant to be'.

SHE MISSES HIM MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS...SHE MISSES THE LAUGHTER...SHE MISSES THE TRUTH IN LOVE....SHE MISSES THE DIVINE DESTINY IN HIS BEING...SHE MISSES HIS SMILE....SHE MISSES HIS EYES...SHE MISSES HIS HUG...SHE MISSES HIS HEART TO LOVE...SHE MISSES HIS GRASP...SHE MISSES HIS GAZE...SHE MISSES HIS PALM ON HER THIGH...SHE MISSES HIS CHIVALRY...SHE MISSES HIS PRESENCE BEHIND HER...SHE MISSES HIS KISS...SHE MISSES HIS INNOCENCE...SHE MISSES HIS COMMITMENT TO LOVE...SHE MISSES HIS SIMPLICITY...SHE MISSES HIS COMPASSION...SHE MISSES HIS AMBITION FOR LIFE..SHE MISSES HIS ADVICE...SHE MISSES HIM IN HER LIFE!

Call her selfish, call her angry, label her crazy, reference her impatience.

SHE STILL MISSES HIM!

Yielding to Selfish Desires or I Am?

A stop sign in site...So, she stops. She is stopped for what should be the typical or should I say, legal, 3 seconds, but Hollywood has undone her patience.

A yield sign feet from her headlights...So, she yields. She yields to the right vehicle or she yields to the wrong vehicle, but McDonaldization has confused her depth in perception.

Right vehicle...wrong time - wrong timing so as to crush her being! Wrong vehicle...right time - the right time to take her out!!! Crash! She is flattened once again. She proceeded as she desired...purely selfish goggles hazed over by clouded perception...was it her impatience. She might have considered stopping longer, but her inability to wait wages war against her. If she stayed a few moments longer at the stop sign then the horns at her tail lights would have practiced singing. Those loud noises create mental turmoil in her noggin. So as to prevent an onslaught of mind battling thoughts she proceeded under pressure. Again, is she impatient or is she simply a people pleaser driven by selfish motives. Selfish motives to avoid pain....tactics to avoid the hurt end of inflicting greater wounds. In the end, she delivered herself a platter of emotional and physical pain by her reaction to what was behind and protection from what could have been lying ahead.

So, it is unrelenting! There is a fight for her life. She wants to live, but to live and die all at once!? How does she? Is she really all that selfish?

She wants to turn it all off and turn on 'I Am'...stop avoiding, stop reacting, stop worrying, stop performing, stop thinking.........Just Love - I AM!

Some Kind of Supernatural

Beneath this waterfall I stand...Beneath this water flow I cry...Beneath this flood I wait...What I wait for I do not know...this water I wait in is supernatural. It seems to be relentless as it removes the markings that once stained my body. These marking were self inflicted and other inflicted. For the most part these marking are my own handy work. Well, not so handy really...more devastating than anything! Doing my best to detach from the jaded things this life has delivered.

The waterfall continues to remove these marking...making my skin as porcelain before my eyes. What is this water flow that I wait beneath. I'm a bad girl and now I am perfect...what? I'm ugly and now I am beautiful...how? I am dirty and now I am clean...why? I proceed to inscribe, with permanent marker, these things on my flesh, but the flood of water...it keeps pouring over me. My flesh made spotless, blameless and pure. I scream at myself words of hate, pain, rejection, disgust, but I do not hear them. In shock at the appearance of perfection in this water. What is this waterfall? What is this liquid pouring out over me? Beneath this waterfall I stand...Beneath this water flow I cry...Beneath this flood I wait...Why I am waiting I do not know!

Now, a dark place before me with even dark midnight black spots to barely be seen...they are more present than ever in the past. This place dingy and full of pain...this place not under the waterfall. Where am I? Where was I? What is going on. This cold place is causing me anguish...the dark spots cause tears!

Then, a cross brands each dark spot...the cross covers each dark spot...the cross replaces the dark spots...the cross labels those painful places...the cross renames those experiences... the cross inscribed upon my heart!

There before me a flower...to be more specific a pink flower with rounded petals set before me. It bends and sways with the wind of the fields...it is fragrant with the heat of the noon day and it is kept! Hence, I am kept in this 'some kind of supernatural'.

The waterfall...the cross...'some kind of supernatural'...these two things I do not fully know, but these two things fully know! These two things are 'some kind of supernatural'.