The First Day of My Last Self Undermining Thought....

Everywhere I go - I'm always in my head....whether involved in a personal conversation or an emotionally intelligent read...single minded endeavors are epic failures for this life...Everywhere I go - I'm always in my head....
A shout, a scream, a shreak....a short break from a mental marathon....Everyone I meet - I'm always in my head...focus...Everyone I meet - I'm always in my head....focus...What did you say? Again, please? I'm listening to tone but not verbage....I'm feeling emotional influx from word to word, but verbage is clouded...Please, what did you say?
Everything I do - I'm always in my head...must finalize that....oh, of course...shit, now my pants shrunk!....the sink is flooded....Everything I do - I'm always in my head....I know I put my phone right there...I know my keys are on the kitchen counter....matching socks are of the first 6 years of my existence...running a hot bath with the phone on the ledge....a glance at my abdomen!!!!!!!!!!!! Sweating sets in....racing thoughts intervene....tears collide down each facial structure....
Everywhere, Everyone, and Everything - I'm always in my head....thoughts of this and thoughts of that...intermitent between voices of self undermining thoughts!!!!!! I see her and I think she is beautiful, I meet him and find that he is genuinely sweet, I call them and find no judgement, I hug her and experience relationship, I hold him and experience peace, but I run to the One and desperately claw for love!
Everywhere I go - I'm always questioning....Everyone I meet - I'm always wondering...Everything I do - I'm always contemplating...Am I beautiful? Someone please tell me that I am gorgeous...Am I slender enough? Somebody please tell me that I am thin enough...please please please! Am I captivating enough? Am I sweet enough? Am I just the right amount of witty? Am I perfectly emotional or do you find me dysfuntional? Tell me that I am healthy!!!!!!! Hello, are you listening to me?....I'm waiting for you or you and even you would work...just tell me that I am loveable!....Affirm me as acceptable!....Hold me as if you cherish me....you or you...hey, even you would work....who are you? Do you behold all that is within?
Do you even care?....you say everything beautiful...you say everything kind....you tell me all things perfect!....Can I see me through your eyes? Can I smell me through your nose? Can I feel me through your fingers? Can I experience me from outside of everywhere, everyone, and everything - I'm always in my head!?!

Will the first day of my last self undermining thought ever be? Is there really such a day?

Illustrated, Fashioned and Conceived for an Essence of determined faith....

Flailing extremities...hysterical panic....racing thoughts...softly sinking into fear, aggressively immersed in chaff and not sure how to grasp hope. I know, I dont know, I know, I dont know, I know.....desperately seeking to master this Essence of determined faith!!!!
Screaming every so gently into that hole of broken dreams and pierced promises...pointlessly painting over divided walls...meticulously managing each crevice without success....yikes!
Illustrating without a vision....Fashioning without a Dream and Conceiving without a Hope....a selfish kingdom continuing to crumble upon a void foundation...I know, I dont know, I know, I dont know, I know....sowing pride and reaping the obvious!

Illustrated, Fashioned and Conceived for an Essence of determined faith....I do not know!!!!!!!!!!