The First Day of My Last Self Undermining Thought....

Everywhere I go - I'm always in my head....whether involved in a personal conversation or an emotionally intelligent read...single minded endeavors are epic failures for this life...Everywhere I go - I'm always in my head....
A shout, a scream, a shreak....a short break from a mental marathon....Everyone I meet - I'm always in my head...focus...Everyone I meet - I'm always in my head....focus...What did you say? Again, please? I'm listening to tone but not verbage....I'm feeling emotional influx from word to word, but verbage is clouded...Please, what did you say?
Everything I do - I'm always in my head...must finalize that....oh, of course...shit, now my pants shrunk!....the sink is flooded....Everything I do - I'm always in my head....I know I put my phone right there...I know my keys are on the kitchen counter....matching socks are of the first 6 years of my existence...running a hot bath with the phone on the ledge....a glance at my abdomen!!!!!!!!!!!! Sweating sets in....racing thoughts intervene....tears collide down each facial structure....
Everywhere, Everyone, and Everything - I'm always in my head....thoughts of this and thoughts of that...intermitent between voices of self undermining thoughts!!!!!! I see her and I think she is beautiful, I meet him and find that he is genuinely sweet, I call them and find no judgement, I hug her and experience relationship, I hold him and experience peace, but I run to the One and desperately claw for love!
Everywhere I go - I'm always questioning....Everyone I meet - I'm always wondering...Everything I do - I'm always contemplating...Am I beautiful? Someone please tell me that I am gorgeous...Am I slender enough? Somebody please tell me that I am thin enough...please please please! Am I captivating enough? Am I sweet enough? Am I just the right amount of witty? Am I perfectly emotional or do you find me dysfuntional? Tell me that I am healthy!!!!!!! Hello, are you listening to me?....I'm waiting for you or you and even you would work...just tell me that I am loveable!....Affirm me as acceptable!....Hold me as if you cherish me....you or you...hey, even you would work....who are you? Do you behold all that is within?
Do you even care?....you say everything beautiful...you say everything kind....you tell me all things perfect!....Can I see me through your eyes? Can I smell me through your nose? Can I feel me through your fingers? Can I experience me from outside of everywhere, everyone, and everything - I'm always in my head!?!

Will the first day of my last self undermining thought ever be? Is there really such a day?

Illustrated, Fashioned and Conceived for an Essence of determined faith....

Flailing extremities...hysterical panic....racing thoughts...softly sinking into fear, aggressively immersed in chaff and not sure how to grasp hope. I know, I dont know, I know, I dont know, I know.....desperately seeking to master this Essence of determined faith!!!!
Screaming every so gently into that hole of broken dreams and pierced promises...pointlessly painting over divided walls...meticulously managing each crevice without success....yikes!
Illustrating without a vision....Fashioning without a Dream and Conceiving without a Hope....a selfish kingdom continuing to crumble upon a void foundation...I know, I dont know, I know, I dont know, I know....sowing pride and reaping the obvious!

Illustrated, Fashioned and Conceived for an Essence of determined faith....I do not know!!!!!!!!!!

A Cracked Foundation...An Illusion of Shattered Dreams!

Nose just above water.... The fight is the base. Is her foundation cracked or just shaken? This fierce storm whipping what is of the flesh....running around in her mental cavity as she screams 'what is wrong with you!!!!!'....is today her new day? .... One brick tumbles from above and then a plethora....broken and bloodied she weeps behind saving face... Yet, reminds herself that a unchanging One holds her, mends her, cherishes her, protects her in perfect love.... Nose just above water as she suffocates in her own tears... Though, Her tears are not wasted or wept in vain....she has a reason to be sure that her dreams will cave in once again, but she chases solace in trusting the One who instilled her hearts desires from conception.... Is her foundation cracked? ..... Are her dreams shattered? .... Broken and bloodied but not blameless yet the One recklessly pursues her precious and panicking heart..... A foundation is being rebuilt and dreams are being increased!!!! So, You feel so distant but I will cling!!!!

Who is she?....Meaningless Lies

confined by a funhouse of mirrors...mirror, mirror chasing me!...she, that lives in that cut of glass, silently shrieks, "Ugly, Fat, Unlovable, Disgusting, Disturbed, Crazy...Ugly, Ugly, Ugly!!!! Not one thinks of you as worthy of love! Just give in and give up the spar for your designated dreams."....mirror, mirror staring at me...frozen...mirror, mirror labeling me....blinded....mirror, mirror slowly murdering me...truckling to lies....mirror, mirror reminding me....paralyzed by thoughts of whats already done and dead dreams...mirror, mirror NO MORE...she is fragmented...no longer staring, murdering, labeling or screaming at me...Abba, Abba whispering to me...'lovely, beautiful, precious, priceless princess'...Jesus, Jesus bestowing love to me...speechless in awe...Father, Father holding me...wrapped in peace...Love, Love uncautiously pursuing me...walls crumbling as my heart heals...again, diverted attention peeks into the post-half of another mirror, even just a reflection or a shadow is not safe...cautious is what I allow myself....cautious love is what I give You...Cautious love is what I wreak of....She is cautious love defined by meaningless lies.Beholder, Beholder telling me I am a Queen....years of quiet hiding....Safety in hiding, but danger in Love....mute, frozen, broken, holding on so tight!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sweet Sweet daughter...If I speak, if I run, if I heal, if I hold you sweetness....will you let go and live for Love?

A Banner of Redemption and Hope ...The Silver Lining

A glance upward through a pane of glass - gigantic white comfort hovering thousands of miles away! Such creative beauty painted upon a canvas of blue sky. A rich illumination settling in the distance has invited sherbet melons and creamy oranges to splash the white comforts with more creative beauty...yet, He is not finished painting! A word of love, "The Silver Lining."

A gaze into the world unknown and not yet understood nearly breaks the pane of glass between. A swerve and a miss...back in between the lines again and time to reset the skyward stare. Again, "The Silver Lining"....a statement almost audible and repetitive. The coziness of the heavens outlined in Silver. Large colorless pillows full of dreams outlined in Silver...

At a destination and unknown is the process of arrival as daydreaming at the wonderment of the above...what were the goals for that particular moment in time on earth? Lost in another place and jolted back to a carnal reality with the auto-pilot placement of a gadget going from 'D' to 'P'. A mind suddenly flooded with daily tasks, personal goals, routine habits and meaningless endeavors that slam the door on avenues of love.

Once again, lost in a tunnel vision of 'busy' with a longing to go back to daydreaming and a desire to pull others in!!!

'The Silver Lining' reflects upon the face in that found yet lost place. Moving between 'busy' and the 'The Silver Lining' can be exhausting and confusing. We must intentionally face 'The Silver Lining' as a means to bring a Banner of Redemption and Hope to this 'now' place of sin.

She Cannot Venture Until She Finds her Voice

An itch to scratch...A wild hair that disturbs...What is the waiting for? A move seems to fit like a glove, yet a mere twitch destroys the current stance.

A stone that must be turned...A thought to be entertained...Is this place an ordained and specific chapter? A step in another direction feels chaotic yet comfortable, yet a slight squirm invites unnecessary pain.

A journey upon a treadmill has ensued...a story paused, yet a life worn down. Has the story dog eared or has the reader continued to turn the pages of another life? It feels as though the pages have kept turning with an unwarranted wind....the main character has become damp with trying to keep up!!! The pages of the book are wrought with mildew...awaiting a treatment of new life and a new day. An antique anticipating a new hardcover rather than a flimsy paperback.

The next chapter just pages away, but the current chapter unfinished. The next chapter will remain unwritten until the now chapter has been completed. A nonsensical venture to continue striving to what locations are undiscovered if the current venture is untended.

The main character locked in the current chapter until a level of reason is accomplished....so far ahead. The destiny left unreached without each step taken...taken slow or fast should not determine the focus granted in each chapter...on each stone...with every new hair.

New levels of understanding...New depths of pain...New beauty from within...New audiences to relate...the main character cannot venture into the next chapter until she finds her voice in the current sentence!

Main character and Reader must become one in mind, body and spirit...as the Reader is ultimately the Writer of the main character's life...you are the main character!

Opinions Become Facts...Facts translate as Opinions