29 years

29 came before I was ready.

29 has put an end to turmoil...turmoil I created by means of poor choices clouded by self hate and worthlessness.
Hmmmmm....I am not really sure what I am trying to say. I am engaged and feeling unengaged. By unengaged I mean disconnected to reality. I love my 'T'(my prince, my fiance, my love and my life partner beyond what I ever dreamt)!!! He is wonderful. However, some one things(s) is missing. My biological father is a narcissist and has left his female counterpart, my mother, with IRS debt that she was not privy to until years later as she attempts to help me pay for my fairy tale wedding. My biological father makes attempts at being my 'dad', but he sucks at it. His form of communication is resolved to that 21st century type of communication. You know, that thing that is socially accepted as a text message. On top of that, I have a 43 year old half brother, my biological father's son from another woman, that has been graced with parole form prison regardless of the 'L' by his name. For those of you who don't know prison terminology, 'L' stands for life. He is a wonderful young man and I am elated that he will be attending my wedding. However, maybe even needless to say, I am feeling a bit worthless as a bride. I have been taught that my past does not define me, but in planning a wedding I have found that the past can play a weighty part in ones self worth. With sexual abuse at the hands of a cousin, at age 3, a father who was absent, a mother who beat me and a premature awareness to life, I am reduced to tears and snot! I feel undeserving of 'T'!!!! I feel worthless as I think of holding my precious child-to-be!

Half Whole

I have been unknowingly devalued for the majority of my existence…I have been in a sort of limelight the majority of my life…I have known that life is precious as well but I felt ugly, ashamed, unworthy, disgusting and unlovable...I’m done with those labels. The best way I can put it is that I really value my relationship with him and her, but I have to be okay with where we stand at the edge of desiring to want to believe I am beautiful, which is where he and she has gently led me. They are hesitant because of.....?.....to go any further than the edge. So, they can continue to have ‘her’ at the edge of beauties waters but I’m going swimming with or without them. All that to say, I am chasing after all that I think I can see I am supposed to be despite the aching in my heart because I have never been so mentally healthy....

All of them have played a role in ushering me into a place of mental wholeness, but some will not jump into the waters with me....I must be okay with this fact. You know, my heart aches right now. It hurts and the slightest touch causes a wince, but the mind is healthy. Never, have I ever had one healthy. The heart nor the mind. Both have been kicked, spat upon, hit and cut, which invited wiring glitches and sparks of insanity.

I do not know the right way or the correct answer all the time, but I do know that my mind is healthy and wholesome. Who knows what comes first? Should the mind be whole before the heart can be whole? Should the heart be whole before the mind can wrap itself around wholeness? For this one, the mind came first.

Now, I am deliberately choosing to guard that healthy place that my flesh and heart has fought for...setting up boundaries and cutting down whatever jeopardizes. I must keep my mind whole as I know it will be the invitation to the wholeness of my heart. I must protect my mind as it keeps me grounded amidst the pain swirling. I've never been here before!!! I must guard my mind and savor her journey to complete wholeness...

I am not accustomed to this map or this plan, but I like it! I am alive and my heart beats! I am breathing in wholeness...

Come savor this place with me!

Guess Who!

She has created a theory about the old game 'Guess Who'...she sets in a coffee shop corner in this town and observes...she glares at some...she squints at others...she follows with her eyes so as to avoid a head turn...with a head turn she might catch the corner of the eye as the one being observes passes by....
She has formulated a theory about the old game 'Guess Who'...she sets in the crevice of a music venue and stares...she analyzes the gate of some...she flinches at others...she processes the emotions leaking throughout so as to avoid taking them all...with a crawling spine and unseen chills she contemplates reaching out to the one being observed...

I have this theory about the old game 'Guess Who'...it was people watching utilized and translated by a genius.
I deliberately place myself in situations that allow me to watch people, which means that I am purposefully inviting humanity to infiltrate my personal space...for most its just a meaningless endeavor to pass the time-that is if you have time to spare. In my case, I don't have time to spare, but I have love to give.
When I deliberately dedicated myself to this journey of 'people watching'-I don't have to 'guess who'...I somehow revere the 'who's' that pass by...he doesn't know...she doesn't notice...

Often, I sit in feelings of oppression that I analyze into the ground...then, I digress to a thought halt and ponder if all those feelings are an overload of emotions and pain from the 'who's' that grace my world?

It's one of two things...first, I might just be terrible at emotional management or second, I might just be failing to love?
Thoughts?

Chaff and The Space Between

Sunday evening came deliberately rushing at me and then to a screeching halt on the hardwood floor. With my cell phone to my ear, I turned around from the dining room table to the living room and gazed at the 26 years of my life in 10 cardboard boxes, large plastic bins, luggage and trash bags. All I could wrap my mind around was the Truth. As I relinquished the grip on my cell phone, I collapsed to the floor, slumped my shoulders, knelt before the chaff and re-soaked myself in tears. This ‘space between’ was eclipsed in an instant…the Cross. I could not conceive this witness of His love! How could I allow this stuff to define me? Who taught me to grip stuff so tightly that my knuckles became white? Where did I learn to acquire stuff? What had this stuff made of me? One question in particular kept haunting me for the 6 months prior, ‘When would I quit this habit of idolizing stuff?’ I was overcome by pain and freedom in the same instant. It was a timeless repute worthy of no price. He had granted me a sweet gift to draw me closer to understanding His love for me.

When Right Appears Wrong

It's heavy....
It's chronic....
It's acute.....
It's black....
It's clatter....
It watches her die...it mischievously grins at her tears....it apathetically knives her in the back....it stares blankly into her screaming eyes....it consistently kindles her twisted lies....it deceptively convinces her that right is wrong....it gently manipulates her into costly silence.
A automobile 'accident' flashes through her screen....an 'unintentional' trip off the trail plays in her show....an evening alone with fermented substances presents an option of 'recharge'....
She doesn't know her!!!
She wonders if love can win her cause 'it' has a death grip on her life....

The First Day of My Last Self Undermining Thought....

Everywhere I go - I'm always in my head....whether involved in a personal conversation or an emotionally intelligent read...single minded endeavors are epic failures for this life...Everywhere I go - I'm always in my head....
A shout, a scream, a shreak....a short break from a mental marathon....Everyone I meet - I'm always in my head...focus...Everyone I meet - I'm always in my head....focus...What did you say? Again, please? I'm listening to tone but not verbage....I'm feeling emotional influx from word to word, but verbage is clouded...Please, what did you say?
Everything I do - I'm always in my head...must finalize that....oh, of course...shit, now my pants shrunk!....the sink is flooded....Everything I do - I'm always in my head....I know I put my phone right there...I know my keys are on the kitchen counter....matching socks are of the first 6 years of my existence...running a hot bath with the phone on the ledge....a glance at my abdomen!!!!!!!!!!!! Sweating sets in....racing thoughts intervene....tears collide down each facial structure....
Everywhere, Everyone, and Everything - I'm always in my head....thoughts of this and thoughts of that...intermitent between voices of self undermining thoughts!!!!!! I see her and I think she is beautiful, I meet him and find that he is genuinely sweet, I call them and find no judgement, I hug her and experience relationship, I hold him and experience peace, but I run to the One and desperately claw for love!
Everywhere I go - I'm always questioning....Everyone I meet - I'm always wondering...Everything I do - I'm always contemplating...Am I beautiful? Someone please tell me that I am gorgeous...Am I slender enough? Somebody please tell me that I am thin enough...please please please! Am I captivating enough? Am I sweet enough? Am I just the right amount of witty? Am I perfectly emotional or do you find me dysfuntional? Tell me that I am healthy!!!!!!! Hello, are you listening to me?....I'm waiting for you or you and even you would work...just tell me that I am loveable!....Affirm me as acceptable!....Hold me as if you cherish me....you or you...hey, even you would work....who are you? Do you behold all that is within?
Do you even care?....you say everything beautiful...you say everything kind....you tell me all things perfect!....Can I see me through your eyes? Can I smell me through your nose? Can I feel me through your fingers? Can I experience me from outside of everywhere, everyone, and everything - I'm always in my head!?!

Will the first day of my last self undermining thought ever be? Is there really such a day?

Illustrated, Fashioned and Conceived for an Essence of determined faith....

Flailing extremities...hysterical panic....racing thoughts...softly sinking into fear, aggressively immersed in chaff and not sure how to grasp hope. I know, I dont know, I know, I dont know, I know.....desperately seeking to master this Essence of determined faith!!!!
Screaming every so gently into that hole of broken dreams and pierced promises...pointlessly painting over divided walls...meticulously managing each crevice without success....yikes!
Illustrating without a vision....Fashioning without a Dream and Conceiving without a Hope....a selfish kingdom continuing to crumble upon a void foundation...I know, I dont know, I know, I dont know, I know....sowing pride and reaping the obvious!

Illustrated, Fashioned and Conceived for an Essence of determined faith....I do not know!!!!!!!!!!

A Cracked Foundation...An Illusion of Shattered Dreams!

Nose just above water.... The fight is the base. Is her foundation cracked or just shaken? This fierce storm whipping what is of the flesh....running around in her mental cavity as she screams 'what is wrong with you!!!!!'....is today her new day? .... One brick tumbles from above and then a plethora....broken and bloodied she weeps behind saving face... Yet, reminds herself that a unchanging One holds her, mends her, cherishes her, protects her in perfect love.... Nose just above water as she suffocates in her own tears... Though, Her tears are not wasted or wept in vain....she has a reason to be sure that her dreams will cave in once again, but she chases solace in trusting the One who instilled her hearts desires from conception.... Is her foundation cracked? ..... Are her dreams shattered? .... Broken and bloodied but not blameless yet the One recklessly pursues her precious and panicking heart..... A foundation is being rebuilt and dreams are being increased!!!! So, You feel so distant but I will cling!!!!

Who is she?....Meaningless Lies

confined by a funhouse of mirrors...mirror, mirror chasing me!...she, that lives in that cut of glass, silently shrieks, "Ugly, Fat, Unlovable, Disgusting, Disturbed, Crazy...Ugly, Ugly, Ugly!!!! Not one thinks of you as worthy of love! Just give in and give up the spar for your designated dreams."....mirror, mirror staring at me...frozen...mirror, mirror labeling me....blinded....mirror, mirror slowly murdering me...truckling to lies....mirror, mirror reminding me....paralyzed by thoughts of whats already done and dead dreams...mirror, mirror NO MORE...she is fragmented...no longer staring, murdering, labeling or screaming at me...Abba, Abba whispering to me...'lovely, beautiful, precious, priceless princess'...Jesus, Jesus bestowing love to me...speechless in awe...Father, Father holding me...wrapped in peace...Love, Love uncautiously pursuing me...walls crumbling as my heart heals...again, diverted attention peeks into the post-half of another mirror, even just a reflection or a shadow is not safe...cautious is what I allow myself....cautious love is what I give You...Cautious love is what I wreak of....She is cautious love defined by meaningless lies.Beholder, Beholder telling me I am a Queen....years of quiet hiding....Safety in hiding, but danger in Love....mute, frozen, broken, holding on so tight!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sweet Sweet daughter...If I speak, if I run, if I heal, if I hold you sweetness....will you let go and live for Love?

A Banner of Redemption and Hope ...The Silver Lining

A glance upward through a pane of glass - gigantic white comfort hovering thousands of miles away! Such creative beauty painted upon a canvas of blue sky. A rich illumination settling in the distance has invited sherbet melons and creamy oranges to splash the white comforts with more creative beauty...yet, He is not finished painting! A word of love, "The Silver Lining."

A gaze into the world unknown and not yet understood nearly breaks the pane of glass between. A swerve and a miss...back in between the lines again and time to reset the skyward stare. Again, "The Silver Lining"....a statement almost audible and repetitive. The coziness of the heavens outlined in Silver. Large colorless pillows full of dreams outlined in Silver...

At a destination and unknown is the process of arrival as daydreaming at the wonderment of the above...what were the goals for that particular moment in time on earth? Lost in another place and jolted back to a carnal reality with the auto-pilot placement of a gadget going from 'D' to 'P'. A mind suddenly flooded with daily tasks, personal goals, routine habits and meaningless endeavors that slam the door on avenues of love.

Once again, lost in a tunnel vision of 'busy' with a longing to go back to daydreaming and a desire to pull others in!!!

'The Silver Lining' reflects upon the face in that found yet lost place. Moving between 'busy' and the 'The Silver Lining' can be exhausting and confusing. We must intentionally face 'The Silver Lining' as a means to bring a Banner of Redemption and Hope to this 'now' place of sin.

She Cannot Venture Until She Finds her Voice

An itch to scratch...A wild hair that disturbs...What is the waiting for? A move seems to fit like a glove, yet a mere twitch destroys the current stance.

A stone that must be turned...A thought to be entertained...Is this place an ordained and specific chapter? A step in another direction feels chaotic yet comfortable, yet a slight squirm invites unnecessary pain.

A journey upon a treadmill has ensued...a story paused, yet a life worn down. Has the story dog eared or has the reader continued to turn the pages of another life? It feels as though the pages have kept turning with an unwarranted wind....the main character has become damp with trying to keep up!!! The pages of the book are wrought with mildew...awaiting a treatment of new life and a new day. An antique anticipating a new hardcover rather than a flimsy paperback.

The next chapter just pages away, but the current chapter unfinished. The next chapter will remain unwritten until the now chapter has been completed. A nonsensical venture to continue striving to what locations are undiscovered if the current venture is untended.

The main character locked in the current chapter until a level of reason is accomplished....so far ahead. The destiny left unreached without each step taken...taken slow or fast should not determine the focus granted in each chapter...on each stone...with every new hair.

New levels of understanding...New depths of pain...New beauty from within...New audiences to relate...the main character cannot venture into the next chapter until she finds her voice in the current sentence!

Main character and Reader must become one in mind, body and spirit...as the Reader is ultimately the Writer of the main character's life...you are the main character!

Opinions Become Facts...Facts translate as Opinions

Inebriator of Choice?

All too many choices! Yikes...this evening - what will be the inebriator of selection. In this room of choice she stands...the walls are plastered with these vessels of euphoria! Some in her head, some held in her hands, some hanging from her physique....yet, there are still some written upon the walls of her heart! She is spinning out of control on the blades of her thoughts, she is dying on the vine of temporary numbing habits, she is drowning in the pool of this world's possessions....yet, there are those inebriators inscribed upon the walls of her heart!

She is certain of the healthiest choice in each instance....yet, she consistently reaches and fails to corral the lasting inscriptions...again and again she falls short and victim to the thought patterns that nearly took her life 4 years prior to the evenings of late!...Poison ultimately creating more poison...she is a princess of a King in heavenly courts suited for royalty, but she ungraciously struts to her King completely inebriated by her thoughts, her failures, her hopelessness resulting from unfulfilled deepest desires and in some cases by her fleeting choice of euphoria...once again she stands with her head hung low, her shoulders hunched to the floor and her self-image shattered...she wrestles with her identity....she knows it is found in her King, but she cannot lift her face to gaze into His Eyes...she is temporarily inebriated by things of this world...

She rips herself to threads within her mental cavity...sometimes she does this verbally in an attempt to avoid someone other than herself beating her to the punch....less painful this way, but entirely destructive to making wise choices...yet, she is aware of the inscriptions upon her fragile heart - her warring heart!...she is aware of being a survivor and all that the battle entails, yet she is thwarted by her pathetic ideation of self...she is sells out to momentary inebriation rather than the fullness of her King and all that is required of her carnal vessel....poison creating poison....a passive rejection of her calling that permits a deliberate murder of her purpose...the father of lies inebriates gleefully! The Father of Truth waiting to be chosen as her Inebriator...her King patiently holds to intoxicate her with Love!

what is my Inebriator of Choice?

Constantly Sparring Herself....

You know, sometimes I think I have this battle figured out just when it all comes crashing down once again....I realize that I have absolutely nothing, NOTHING, ironed out. I run and I run and I run and I run head on into another brick wall....maybe I need to jump...shall I let go....or could I just resolve to fall? If I jump will I continue to drift and never hit bottom as I ride in the covering of the One? If I let go will I scream His name and as a result translate His love through my nothing to hold? If I just fall will I trust You and live without fear and with all of who You are? Here I am again, trying to get that place of 'thinking I have it all figured out'...this battle undoubtedly sucks at times as it permits my flesh to endure deep pain....enduring the pain grants this frail mind and body endurance for the next blow on the battlefield....the battlefield gets nastier every moment...every step gets stickier...every enemy gets a bit more sneaky. Yet, the last step, the last enemy and the last battlefield granted endurance for the next!

You know, all the time I think I have this battle figured out just when the next blow takes me to my face as it is hamburgered into the gravel...It is in that position that I realize I have nothing, NOTHING, comprehended. The anxiety eats at my muscles, the nervousness wraps up my joints, the insecurity entangles my frame and I recklessly throw my frailty into another brick wall...bruised, beaten, bloody, tired and in deliberate pain.....I get up and do it again! Strange....I should just let go, jump and fall into nothing so as to gain Everything!

You know, I must retrain my fighting style from sparring myself to sparring for love! It is on that Battlefield that I am no longer and He is!

Patience is a Virtue... Yet I am not Virtuous in It!

Patience is a necessity to this life.Well, at least the life of a virtuous woman. A virtuous woman I was designed to be....yet, I can only find myself continuing to become. As the moments pass so do the monuments of my failures. Failures wrought with impatience. Another slap on the hand racked up, but more painful is the self-inflicted guilt and shame. The failings ensue pain that does not align with the means utilized to achieve a guarded heart.

Failures wrought with impatience. Impatience is not to be emanated by a virtuous woman. A virtuous woman I long to be, but I find myself resolved to the mere becoming.

Love is the greatest of these and I have discovered that the inability to wait destroys the ability to truly love and be loved. Impatience with His design in the process of becoming. The process is all too cliche. The process requires patience. So, is being virtuous the simple act of waiting well? In other words, is becoming a virtuous woman really as simple as dying to impatience? Once this elementary concept is realized as simplistic by my thick skull, I just might obtain this lofty calling of being a virtuous woman.

One in the same... Virtue is a patience... a patience that is beyond my carnal comprehension. I am not innately skilled to grasp this kind of patience. However, this shortcoming is the greatest gift as He has a place within to increase this flesh's ability to patiently love. Patient love is the love of a virtuous woman sold out to the One. The One skilled enough to create and then instill a woman with His virtue of patient love. His heart is a virtuous heart...His love is a patient love...His patient love is virtuous! Only through knowing this by faith will we become virtuous amidst a broken humanity.

Be Patient in all things...there is a perfect picture unknown, but at hand! In each of us there is a Patience waiting to become virtuous...In each of us their is a Virtue longing to be perfectly patient!

Of the Kingdom or Of the World

The Kingdom is at hand and the world is in my face!

The Kingdom is now and the world seems real!

The Kingdom is come and the world is this place!

Called to be in the world and not of the world...called to love through Kingdom channels, yet when this is practiced the feeling is of, 'not fitting in'. The result of this practice is turmoil within...turmoil between spirit and soul. Spirit of the Kingdom and Soul of the world!

Of the Kingdom or of the World?

The Kingdom vs. the World... the Kingdom is order and the World is chaos....chaos that baffles the order being strived for. How do I press into this order of the Kingdom when the chaos of this World overwhelms?

This southern gentlemen of the Kingdom claims ADD as his label because his soul screams lies to his spirit of clarity and peace. This princess of the Kingdom claims insecurity and anxiety by way of a broken spirit wrought with lies of the soul. This housewife of the Kingdom claims 'doormat' because her spirit is down trodden by the labels of broken souls. This star athlete claims rejection because his spirit is tackled by the deceit of his soul. This songwriter of the Kingdom claims 'not good enough' because he is kicked by the metal toe of the honky tonk lyrics of the soul. This precious son/daughter of the Kingdom claims worthlessness as his/her name because he/she surrendered to the demonic gall of the soul.

Of the Kingdom or of the World?

Which to claim....how to receive the gifts of the Kingdom when the lies of this world are so tangible? Yes, the Kingdom is tangible, but not obvious! The things of this World are immediate....immediately devastating, immediately hurtful, immediately deadly. Yet, we take hold of them.

The things of the Kingdom are crucial to life. Life in the Kingdom is abundant. Abundantly joyful, abundantly fulfilling, abundant in freedom, abundant in unconditional love...an abundance of the Kingdom is at hand.

One Life giving and one Life sucking!

Which to claim...how to receive the gifts of the Kingdom when the lies of this World are so tangible? At first, the lies even appear to be good.

However, 'good' is the enemy of His utmost 'best'!

Which do you choose?

Of the Kingdom or of the World?

Sometimes It Has To Be Enough that It Is Not Meant To Be!

She said,"Sometimes it has to be enough that it is not meant to be."

I paralyze myself again and again as I analyze over and over. Two weeks and no word. Where did I go wrong? What did I do or not do?

Two weeks and several days without a word... with today's abundant and contemporary channels of communication there should have been a blurp by now - better put...a text. Not even a text!

SHE MISSES HIM!

A phone call much to personal it seems...not even a phone call in the 'silent' of the night...a voicemail guaranteed and not even a phone call. She rolls her head over on the pillow...it is damp. Confused and broken as to what she could have done wrong? Where did she possibly go wrong? Two weeks and several days...no real emotional attachment. Why does this baffle her being? No real label yet it still hurts her.

SHE REALLY MISSES HIM!

Email!? Never an email expected. She is expectant upon Him, but not on the other that bestows this chaos. COMPROMISE 7! She discovers order in being expectant upon Him...she silently seeks. The flesh gnaws at her spirit! The pain penetrates the flesh, but the peace in order soothes her spirit. Two weeks and several days...No avenue of communication?!!!

SHE MISSES HIM A LOT!

Not much more than 'hanging out'...she misses this as if it were embellished with timely investments. No investments made! She misses this tremendously. Some wrong...some right! This that she speaks of delivered in a package of possible covenant...yet, so soon! She read these 'things' incorrectly. She assumed ashamedly! She felt like a princess precisely. It was too good to be true. He said, "You cannot tell me that anybody has ever treated you as sweet as I have?!?" She concurred. Maybe she should not have...

SHE JUST MISSES WHAT MIGHT NOT BE MEANT TO BE

Must she be at peace with this truth? Is it a truth? Is it guilt for possibly finding 'the too good to be true'? She must be bad for expressing this very thing. In naivety she blew it again. A princess she is...a princess - she longs to be cherished as she walks through all her days... eventually a Queen in covenant!!! Will this time come in her child-like honesty through faith or is she crazy? Her prince she seeks through pressing into the chaos by way of Him. Her prince she so desires. Is it not meant to be... no place to fit in, no time to be real, no person to accept a princess, no man to commit in love because she is 'not meant to be'.

SHE MISSES HIM MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS...SHE MISSES THE LAUGHTER...SHE MISSES THE TRUTH IN LOVE....SHE MISSES THE DIVINE DESTINY IN HIS BEING...SHE MISSES HIS SMILE....SHE MISSES HIS EYES...SHE MISSES HIS HUG...SHE MISSES HIS HEART TO LOVE...SHE MISSES HIS GRASP...SHE MISSES HIS GAZE...SHE MISSES HIS PALM ON HER THIGH...SHE MISSES HIS CHIVALRY...SHE MISSES HIS PRESENCE BEHIND HER...SHE MISSES HIS KISS...SHE MISSES HIS INNOCENCE...SHE MISSES HIS COMMITMENT TO LOVE...SHE MISSES HIS SIMPLICITY...SHE MISSES HIS COMPASSION...SHE MISSES HIS AMBITION FOR LIFE..SHE MISSES HIS ADVICE...SHE MISSES HIM IN HER LIFE!

Call her selfish, call her angry, label her crazy, reference her impatience.

SHE STILL MISSES HIM!

Yielding to Selfish Desires or I Am?

A stop sign in site...So, she stops. She is stopped for what should be the typical or should I say, legal, 3 seconds, but Hollywood has undone her patience.

A yield sign feet from her headlights...So, she yields. She yields to the right vehicle or she yields to the wrong vehicle, but McDonaldization has confused her depth in perception.

Right vehicle...wrong time - wrong timing so as to crush her being! Wrong vehicle...right time - the right time to take her out!!! Crash! She is flattened once again. She proceeded as she desired...purely selfish goggles hazed over by clouded perception...was it her impatience. She might have considered stopping longer, but her inability to wait wages war against her. If she stayed a few moments longer at the stop sign then the horns at her tail lights would have practiced singing. Those loud noises create mental turmoil in her noggin. So as to prevent an onslaught of mind battling thoughts she proceeded under pressure. Again, is she impatient or is she simply a people pleaser driven by selfish motives. Selfish motives to avoid pain....tactics to avoid the hurt end of inflicting greater wounds. In the end, she delivered herself a platter of emotional and physical pain by her reaction to what was behind and protection from what could have been lying ahead.

So, it is unrelenting! There is a fight for her life. She wants to live, but to live and die all at once!? How does she? Is she really all that selfish?

She wants to turn it all off and turn on 'I Am'...stop avoiding, stop reacting, stop worrying, stop performing, stop thinking.........Just Love - I AM!

Some Kind of Supernatural

Beneath this waterfall I stand...Beneath this water flow I cry...Beneath this flood I wait...What I wait for I do not know...this water I wait in is supernatural. It seems to be relentless as it removes the markings that once stained my body. These marking were self inflicted and other inflicted. For the most part these marking are my own handy work. Well, not so handy really...more devastating than anything! Doing my best to detach from the jaded things this life has delivered.

The waterfall continues to remove these marking...making my skin as porcelain before my eyes. What is this water flow that I wait beneath. I'm a bad girl and now I am perfect...what? I'm ugly and now I am beautiful...how? I am dirty and now I am clean...why? I proceed to inscribe, with permanent marker, these things on my flesh, but the flood of water...it keeps pouring over me. My flesh made spotless, blameless and pure. I scream at myself words of hate, pain, rejection, disgust, but I do not hear them. In shock at the appearance of perfection in this water. What is this waterfall? What is this liquid pouring out over me? Beneath this waterfall I stand...Beneath this water flow I cry...Beneath this flood I wait...Why I am waiting I do not know!

Now, a dark place before me with even dark midnight black spots to barely be seen...they are more present than ever in the past. This place dingy and full of pain...this place not under the waterfall. Where am I? Where was I? What is going on. This cold place is causing me anguish...the dark spots cause tears!

Then, a cross brands each dark spot...the cross covers each dark spot...the cross replaces the dark spots...the cross labels those painful places...the cross renames those experiences... the cross inscribed upon my heart!

There before me a flower...to be more specific a pink flower with rounded petals set before me. It bends and sways with the wind of the fields...it is fragrant with the heat of the noon day and it is kept! Hence, I am kept in this 'some kind of supernatural'.

The waterfall...the cross...'some kind of supernatural'...these two things I do not fully know, but these two things fully know! These two things are 'some kind of supernatural'.

This Game of Life!

I scowl at passers-by when my mind tells me to smile.

So, are my thoughts your thoughts?

I want to encourage those who carry sadness, but I say not a word.

So, are my thoughts your thoughts?

I want to hug the sunken shoulders of broken dreams, but I keep on drivin'.

So, are my thoughts your thoughts?

I want to rearrange the wrinkles of a distorted self-image, but I project the same scowl.

So, are my thoughts your thoughts?

I see beauty, but I remain betrothed to silence of being rejected.

So, are my thoughts your thoughts?

The thought is not what counts.

The execution by action in unconditional love is what counts.

So, are my non-actions my self-destructing thoughts?